As am home of my parents in Dehradun, am feeling very peaceful – almost Zen with no wishes & no consequences concern whatsoever!
But its almost to the tune of being inactive which I detest quite – so I try & form a routine to please all around me including self which involves reading, taking a stroll, a physical activity, prepping for future as well.
But in the midst of my writing this blog, I did not estimate my father’s extreme temperament into records and so I will need to rattle a bit about it (more for the need to vent the same structurally). It so happens that he’s a product of the patriarchal family (though his mom & my grand-mom was an extremely strong & expressive lady) & has been given extreme importance for his immature & rash behaviours of the past. He did well academically & professionally on comparison in our family – so that gave further boost to his ego!
I do give a-lot of credit for my convent education & freedom to him but still that doesn’t take away from the fact that he tends to his rash & aggressive behaviour every now & then especially during my visit home. What gives me further hurt is that might be extending to my mother as well. My sister being the smart ass she is, gives in to his tantrums in order to get her own pocket money & course of life.
To summarise, I cannot bring up myself ever in life to love or respect him or even probably care genuinely but I cannot ignore him completely since he happens to be my father & still the head of the family.
I do hope that he realises that in behaving so he is losing out on so much & creating so much negativity around! But I know for sure that despite realising his mistakes he will never be able to accept his mistakes nor change it – these are the typical characteristics of “Indian Male Superiority Complex” syndrome which is incurable in my understanding & I shall not be victim of! Even if it means I will need to marry a foreigner & live my life outside my country now coz I have realised it is unbearable to the extent of being suffocating & painful.
I have seen enough victims of it – male & female who I have no respect for honestly.
But I would still choose to be & will show everyone to be the happiest & best & most favourite version of myself in this life itself.